After a dismal weekend's sport, I need to get back to this. Leean has pointed out that only registered users can comment at the moment.
This is not to protect my fragile ego! Please do leave any comments or feedback underneath the given article: I have now set the page to accept comments from anyone.
1 comment:
Dear Sam,
Here are the places in the 1st chapter which seemed to break the flow. These are only suggestions so ignore them if you don't agree!
Chapter 1, 2nd paragraph, line 3, "Stopped," this would more usually be, "Stopping," or "He stopped,"
3rd paragraph, line 3, "but whose banks" would follow better if it was "but its banks"
line 7, "Here is was" presumably "it", and it might be better to put "here it was, and .."
4th paragraph, line 4, "down then up" it might be easier to understand if you said "downhill then up"
5th paragraph, line 14, "but this time" would work if you had described another time but isn't really needed here.
line 16, "frames"
line 27, "stood bikes"(up)
6th paragraph, line 6, "someone to show" does that mean someone to demonstrate or to discover?
7th paragraph, "frankly quite awkward" stands out as an opinion of the writer, not pure description, is this what you want?
8th paragraph, line 2, "a shiny new zipper...." is a really innovative description but it seems to stand out a bit as you haven't described any hills on either side of the street.
line 5, maybe "schoolchildren with their pocketmoney" ?
9th paragraph, line 3, mime artists or, a mime artist
11th paragraph, line 1, " in the breeze by the back of the bus" what does that mean?
Hope these are helpful!
Huge love,
Mum xxxxxxx
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